A Moment in the Mind of Me

You know for being someone who has spent most of their life trying to be what I thought people wanted… it makes it really difficult to just stop and try and be who I am. Once deciding to stop living for “other” people and finding that I am not quite sure who this “Leah” girl is the only plausible conclusion is to find what the options are… so let’s find people that I like or admire… there are SO many great people in this world let’s just chose which one I want to be and then do it!! There are artists, singers, performers, leaders, travelers, builders, entrepreneurs, mothers, cooks, farmers, teachers, etc… this great idea worked really well!... for awhile… then comes the problem of, once you find a great person to be then you end up trying to live someone else’s life without the tools they have for their own.. not a good plan! You start not knowing the answers to simple questions like… What is your favorite music? Favorite foods? Let alone: What do you want to do in life? I tried this path for a few years and found that I am actually quite good at being a chameleon of sorts, and in many ways did learn things about myself along the way… but I feel as though I have come to a pondering point in my life… not necessarily a huge decision time or anything of the sort, but looking back over the paths, trails, streams I’ve tried I stand still wondering, who is Leah?

I have a theory that really who we are does get formed by the people around us in many ways but I can’t say that I know that for sure because I never experienced life from a different side. Maybe there are those people that are just born with an understanding of who they are and in what ways they are going to reveal the kingdom of God on earth in their own unique flavor. My theory is I really do think that God made us moldable so that we do influence each other. I look back over the years and see places where the people around me left their fingerprints on me and my personality and I can’t say that I truly believe it was all bad. I do think that ONLY copying those around you can be a bad idea… but aren’t we made to influence each other?
I think that the reason why I have had such a hard time finding the “Leah” is because I keep dismissing anything that I may have “picked up” along the way… not realizing that maybe God put certain people in my life to actually pull out something that was ALWAYS a part of me?! I have recently found the joy of “thinking my own thoughts”… I know that sounds pretty ridiculous… but honestly, I have just been on this quest to let me be me EVEN IF someone else may think it does look just like a copy. Everyone has to start somewhere, but as long as the journey is bringing life and joy then it’s a journey worth taking!